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  • Advice from Murray Spatz

    Murray’s the schizophrenic with multiple personalities that lives above our office. Each week we hide his meds and wait to see which personality comes out. He’s got 27 in total (both female and male), so he’s oddly qualified to answer almost any question.
    This week Murray is personality 17 - Susie, the Campus Slut

    Dear Murray, I am a college coed trying to get the attention of this hot guy at a Frat. My Sorority is having a party with their house this weekend. Any great advice?

    - Make Me a Stand-Out Student

    Dear Stand-Out Student,

    First off, my name is Susie. Secondly, this is like taking candy from a baby. Wait for the exact moment he starts joking around with one of his friends, preferably a fat guy or maybe one of those poor college schmoes who’s prematurely losing his hair.

    Start your approach. Act drunk and when you’re close, drop your drink or knock something over - anything that gets the two of them to look up and take you in. And when your boy locks in on, you yell this at his bald, fat fuck of a friend, "Hey, aren’t you in my bio class?"

    The fat bald guy will take the bait because let’s face it, women don’t ever approach his fat ass. Walk directly up to him and push him right in the chest, "Weren’t you the guy trying to look down my shirt last week?" He will start stammering and trying to come up with some excuse and his friend will be laughing his ass off, since everyone loves to see their buddy look like an idiot.

    And now's the time to seal the deal, draw upon your years of binging and purging to keep your bod perfect, and projectile vomit all over the fat guy. Make sure nothing gets on your boy, though. You want him as clean as possible, because tonight is the night.

    Young college girls everywhere need to understand the awesome power of some well-directed vomit at a frat party. The party stops once it shoots from your mouth and instantly makes you the center of attention. All the frat boys see their friend covered in the stuff and laugh hysterically. And here's the important part, instead of acting concerned, yell and pump your fist in the air in celebration as if you've just done the funniest thing ever. This will really get the party going!

    Yet the biggest benefit of vomit by far is the aroma. Vomit is the ultimate aphrodisiac to any frat boy. It's like an expensive perfume which says to them, this chick wants it and she's about to give it to any one. So hey, why not me?

    And trust me, when your boy sees that you've got a little life left in you and you aren't completely ready to pass out, he will sweep you up into his arms and take you to the nearest closet or toilet for some special frat boy sex.

    Trust me on this one, it works every time. It's the only sure way to get the boy you want every single time. Results guaranteed!

     

     

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