Health Tips from Dr. Immel

Sex With Fat People: 9 Times More Likely To Result in Injury or Death

Our esteemed Dr. Immel has done it again with groundbreaking research proving that having sex with fatties is not just embarrassing (especially if caught by friends), but could also prove to be life threatening.

Using a study group of 50 men and 50 women painstakingly selected, the Doctor studied sex between a fat man and a thin woman and vice versa. The results even stunned him.

By the end of the study in which participants were forced to repeatedly have sex for two weeks straight, the incidence of injury and death was off the charts. Death occurred in 15% of all participants. The causes varied, but the majority were suicides from the stress, fatigue and embarrassment from having sex with fatties on such a regular basis.

Other causes of death included:

Collapsed lungs

Smothering, Folds of Fat

Smothering, Face First in Pillow

Stroke

Broken Spine

Crushed Ego

Even more disturbing: 100% of people involved in the experiment experienced some form of injury. The variety of injury is too varied to outline here, but a shortened list follows:

Crushed Ribs

Sprained and Dislocated Penis

Broken Pelvis

Compressed/Collapsed Lungs

3rd Degree Rug Burns

Ruptured Spleen

Shattered and Bruised Coccyx

With Americans getting heavier by the day, this study is of the utmost importance. In the future, Dr. Immel imagines sex becoming regulated as a health hazard. He even foresees tattooing extremely fat people with warning labels.

With each day and with each extra pound, sex is becoming more and more dangerous. So the next time you've had one too many and the fattie at the end of the bar gives you a wink...remember it's not just your pride that's on the line, it's your life.

Be careful out there.