Stan Stan the Review Man

Stan’s his real name, but we made him officially change it to land the job. He’s a man who loves music, tv and the movies. Hell, he lives and dies for the stuff. And he’s here to put you straight and show you the way with his reviews. In Stan’s world, entertainment either Kicks Ass or Sucks Ass, and everything else – Taint Good, Taint Bad.

Monkeys Or Retards: Who Do Americans Love More in Movies?

Who doesn’t love a good retard or monkey film? A retard in any film means quality entertainment, just think Forest Gump, Of Mice and Men or anything with Jim Carey (23 was particularly retarded).

As for monkey films, they are consistently outstanding. Just remember how you laughed watching Every Which Way But Loose, cried in King Kong or oohed and aahed in 2001: A Space Odyssey. Those monkeys got some skills, acting skills that is.

So when I got into it with the Popcorn Boy this weekend at my local multiplex it was over this exact topic. I, of course, took the side of retards, despite a number of films in this genre that absolutely Sucked Ass. If only I could go back in time and stop myself before I snuck into The Other Sister, or rented I Am Sam. The pain that could have been avoided.

Regardless, retards still rule in my book, there is something so endearing about them, so irresistible I can’t really explain it. Except to say that I feel about retard films the same way Lenny felt about the mice in Of Mice and Men. I love them to death.

Yet, Popcorn Boy wouldn't have any of it, countering everything is always funnier and better with a monkey. In an effort to bring me around to his way of thinking, he played his trump card and revealed his all-time, favorite monkey movie, Planet of the Apes.


Planet of the Apes was definitely one fine monkey movie. No question. Well played, Popcorn Boy. But I was ready and I responded, "Was it really just a monkey movie?"

Popcorn Boy looked at me quizzically, not knowing where I was going with this argument. So I explained to him, that yes, Charleton Heston was an ordinary human in some pretty extraordinary circumstances, but Heston wasn't the only human trapped in a strange monkeyland.

The light went on in his head, as Popcorn Boy remembered Heston's onscreen girlfriend, Nova and the rest of her clan. (If you ask me, a bunch of pretty retarded folks.)

Yet Popcorn Boy wasn't so sure, maybe they were just "unevolved".

But wait, is there really much of a difference?

We both thought long and hard, yet no one conceded. The only thing we could agree on - however you come out on Planet of the Apes, is how you come out on the entire Monkey vs. Retard debate.

Please let us know what you think. All comments welcome below whether you're a human, a monkey or a retard.

 

 

 


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